Bestiality, It's Just Not Funny!

American Heritage Dictionary:
Bestiality: " Sexual relations between a human being and an animal. "
Michael Jackson:
Bestiality: " Good times. "

You think bestiality is funny? Well it's not, dammit!


I had a friend once who got a gopher glued to genitals. And I can assure it wasn't funny for him, especially not having to repeatedly say, " No I'm not happy to see you, that really is a gopher. " One time my next door neighbor got a groundhog stuck up his ass. He walked around with a limp and every February 2nd there was definitely always six more weeks of winter. I know hundreds of stories: girls with earthworms, frogs, and chimpanzees, guys with hedgehogs, alligators, and bald eagles. I know stories of such horrifying vigorous animal sex that they make Jack Hanna and the billy goat look like amateur night and the Wichita County Fair.

And while we all might have gotten a chuckle and ego-boost when the story of Richard Gere and the gerbils broke out, do you really think bestiality is funny? Well it's not, damn it! Bestiality is a terribly hurting and painful experience ( even with KY-Jelly ) and it is not something which should be carefreely tossed around like some loose slut gecko lizard. Bestiality is a serious problem and has been for quite sometime.

Bestiality is traced back all the way to the 1400's, when King Henry VI was said to have partaken " in dalliances with house servants and court yard sparrows. "

But this should not come as a surprise, because history has always been linked to bestiality. In fact when Abraham Lincoln was killed by John Wilkes Booth it was in a fit of jealous rage over a chicken named Winky. Edgar Allan Poe's mysterious animal affair lead to his famous " Raven " poem and a brutal scrotum rash. And who could forget Ernest Hemingway, who himself was later immortalized in the classic coming-of-age porno, A Farewell to Farms. Remember Ernest Hemingway and the 50 pound Halibut, Marlon Brando and the Koala Bear, Madonna and her crabs, Noah and the zephyrs, Margaret Thatcher and the electric eel, and the most infamous story of all: Mathew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker. But despite certain figures in the past participating in barnyard shenanigans, bestiality is still not funny. We must realize that people with this sexual preference, although they are steady subscribers to Ranger Rick, are not respectable in anyway. These people have problems. Edgar Allan Poe needed counseling. Richard Gere needs therapy. Tori Spelling needs psychiatric assistance. And the Los Angeles County Zoo needs better security.

Something must be done to stop bestiality and at the very least we must end people's perception of sex with critters as a humorous event, because in the immortal words of Winnie the Pooh, " Stop Christopher Robbins, that tickles. "

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