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Recent numbers show that sex education may not be having quite the same effect as in previous years. Reports show that in cities which offer a sex education course at the local public high school the number of teenage pregnancies and STDs among the students is actually higher than in kids in areas which do not offer any such program. Some say this growing trend is due to the sex ed teachers instructing the classes with inaccurate information or a lack of concern, either that or some say there is Spanish Fly in the drinking fountains. I, representing The D.U.D.E., decided to look into this situation a bit closer so to get a better understanding of what the problem might really be, and because in all honesty the idea of hearing freshmen girls talk about intercourse excites me.
Last Wednesday I was invited to take a look at Thomas Jefferson High School, located in the heart of Los Angeles. And going into the school that day I knew I had a mission: Find out where the clitoris is and get a better grasp on if there is any problem with sex education.
The teacher of the class which I viewed that day was a sixty-two year-old Albino woman who wasn't really fat, but rather fucking enormous. Her name was Mrs. Klopek and from the size of her she seemed to have her own gravitational pull. But we're not here to talk about her weight ( we'll leave that to Guinness World Records. ) Anyways, the bells rang for the commencement of the class and kids filed into the rows of chairs. The kids, just about an equal amount of male and female, I was told were all upperclassmen that period. I had my seat in the back corner of the class as Mrs. Klopek began to talk, " Okay class, settle down. " Mrs. Klopek paused, took a puff of her asthma inhaler, and continued. It was then when I realized that this education might actually be detrimental to the students and I saw why there could be problems.
Mrs. Klopek began, " Alright boys and girls, let's begin from where we left off from last time. And if you remember, we we're talking about the male human penis, not to be confused with the female penis that you, yes you, Bridget have, you little skank dyke bitch. " At this time Mrs. Klopek pointed at a girl in the first row. This comment seemed not to shock the kids, but I was shocked at what I was hearing, I mean I had never seen a real live hermaphrodite before. Also I was puzzled by the frankness and graphic language that this teacher was using. It actually began to sicken me, I mean a real live hermaphrodite. Mrs. Klopek continued on, " And not to be confused with a male horse penis, which Daniel's mother makes love to at Farmer John's stables, that little horse ' f '-ing slut. Yes class the male penis. The male penis is on average five and a half inches upon erection and extremely fun to play with if you have silly putty and a flyswatter. " At that time I was thinking Oh my God!, why hadn't I thought of the flyswatter. Mrs. Klopek kept talking, " Now boys most of you probably have tiny penises and are hung like a thumbtacks, in fact I know you are Randy. " I was bewildered, I thought Randy looked like a big guy. Mrs. Klopek went on, " So because of that you all probably will never have a sexual experience with a woman who doesn't give you back change, and I would suggest you become priests, eunuchs, science teachers, or really good at giving oral sex. Now I know I was going to have one of you practice giving me oral today, but that won't happen because I forgot to properly prepare my vagina. What I mean to say is that my weed-whacker is at the shop and I misplaced my oyster chucker. " This is how the class went on for the remaining thirty-five minutes, topics like group sex with midgets and why Jeremy penis was crooked took up most of the time.
As I walked out the doors I thought to myself, damn my pants are moist, did the kids really learn anything?, and that was an unbelievably graphic geometry class . . .
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This was a piss-poor attempt at satire and social commentary. You see I was trying to satirize a certain aspect of the school system. I pretended like I was some uptight, Jesus freak, Republican mother with a now barren vagina and a love for Regis Philbin disgusted about the openness and free-flowing explicit discussions of sex and the existence of sexuality in schools. I was trying to show and condemn the disgusting perversity that is ever-present in school, but for me to be condemning this perversity makes me a hypocrite ( no, it doesn't. ) Because in actuality I can be found discussing such topics . . . and that's outside of geometry class too ( wha? ). Probably what I should have done was introduce myself as that barren vagina lady, told of a case similar to the one of Mrs. Klopek's and the frank sexual language, criticized it, and then showed some way in which that attacking-woman was calling the kettle black. But I didn't have the dedication or creativity to concoct such a story, so it ended up the way it did. The story also was a poor excuse to make jokes about the horizontally expansive and talk about penises.P.S.- You can borrow the flyswatter after me, but I would suggest you get a tub of disinfectant and a rabies shot just to be safe.