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Johnny was a hitman, in fact for the sake our story Johnny was the Hitman. Johnny had been born in a quiet town in southern California and now resided, 36 years later, in the middle of the hustle and bustle of eastern Nebraska. He lived in a two-story house, across the street from the Robertsons and their in-laws, the Robertsons ( ahhh Nebraska. ) It was in this house where Johnny spent most of his time when he wasn't out killing or buying milk, but especially buying milk. He was a nice fellow, except for the whole " murder " thing, who had very few bad habits, he smoked a three packs a day and, oh yeah, that whole " murder " thing. It has been said that he was the most dangerous hitman in all of the continental United States ( only " the continental United States " because one must remember the number of dastardly vicious hitmen who inhabit the area of Crooked Creek, Alaska. ) He was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of men, but enough about his smoking. Untruthfully, Johnny wore a dress and was the pinball wizard. But honestly, he was a man not to mess with. Once it was rumored that he killed a man using only a spork, a radio antenna, a pen cap, and a Colt .45 Automatic Pistol.
Johnny the Hitman was famous for his sheer brutality with a pitchfork, his beef stroganoff, and a consistent use of the word " bitch. " One of the most legendary tales in the history of mercenaries is the tale of " Johnny the Hitman and Fat Ralph Edwards® ".
It is said that Fat Ralph Edwards was a perversely evil man, who would kill his victims by suffocating them with his large belly. Fat Ralph Edwards was able to do this because he ate a lot of jerky and looked like Orson Welles, if Orson had just swallowed John Candy, Roseanne, and the Notre Dame Marching Band. Needless to say being built like this and having such a large body ( which he graciously rented out to orphan children around the holidays ) came in perfectly when he would slay his foes or host tether ball tournaments in his navel. He was incredibly crafty, hefty, and wily, but still not able to escape Johnny the Hitman. Johnny had slipped into Edward's house late one dark December night. And it was in the pitch dark that Johnny used his cunning to find Fat Ralph Edwards. Legend says that before Fat Ralph was killed he and Johnny were involved in Mexican-American standoff. And it was during this standoff that the Hitman crafted what would become his trademark, saying " bitch " exactly 501 times. It was on the 500th time ( " Get ready to die, bitch! ) that Fat Ralph Edwards was killed (the 501st time came when Johnny stubbed his toe later on the way out the house.)
And this was how it went. Sentences were said, bullets flied, and Johnny the Hitman sent another one to the ground. For the ten years he had been in the business of making hits he had worked with Wyclef, Rodney Jerkins, Babyface, no wait that's Whitney Houston, never mind. Johnny the Hitman was a truly ruthless man with a penchant for pulling the pistol's trigger. But mind you that violence didn't totally encompass his life. He had hobbies, specialties, interests, a collection of special interest videos, and such. In fact, believe it or not, he was really quite fond of e-mailing.
It was one day when Johnny the Hitman went to check to see if he had received any e-mail. He clicked on the monitor and dialed up the Internet. When connected the computer voice said to him, " You've Got Mail . . . bitch! " and blew up in his face.