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-Anne Robinson of " The Weakest Link ", is set to appear on the Canadian Talk Show, " Things That Look Like Illegal Sex Devices. " On that same night she will be joined by Richard Simmons and a Pez Dispenser.
-ABC has announced a miniseries to begin production soon. The miniseries, Let It Go, will star John Stamos as a man, who in a jealous rage, murders his wife and the man he suspects her to be having an affair with. O.J. Simpson will serve as the technical advisor.
( Haha, funny . . . four years ago. Damn D.U.D.E., why don't you make some jokes about the Jack the Ripper while you're at it?! )
-Okay
A new description of Jack the Ripper has been given to police. Contrary to earlier descriptions the unknown murderer may not wear a baseball cap. It is now said that Jack the Ripper wears a crown.
-Osama bin Laden, a lot of people don't know, is a movie director. However he has run into troubles, as bin Laden was fired recently from the movie production of Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. Sources working on the film say he was fired because he was directing the movie as a musical, set in early 8th Century France. So it seems bin Laden has been falling back into his old habit, misinterpreting texts.
-For those of you who thought The Baha Men were one-hit wonders with flailing careers, you were wrong. The Baha Men recently have been making a number of television appearances. In fact they were just on VH1 last night. If you missed it, don't worry, " Where Are They Now " is replayed ever Friday at 10.
-A bunch of midgets are set to buy a Seattle pleather company. When asked, " why would a bunch of midgets want to buy a Settle pleather company? " They responded, " We prefer to be called vertically challenged. " Then I said, " Ah isn't that cute. The little midgets got their little bitty feelings hurt, oh I'm sorry little midgets. " To make a long story short, I was attacked and now my ankles are bleeding.
-Jerry Fallwell, who had blamed the September 11th attacks on the ACLU, homosexuals, and such, took back that statement. Jerry Fallwell has now blamed the attacks on wild crickets and cinnamon rolls.
-Leonardo Dicaprio, looking to prove himself as " more of a man ", recently set out to the wilderness on a fishing trip. The star came back with over 5 pounds of fish. However, it all came in yellow boxes and was marked " Van De Kamp's. "
-Platinum-selling rappers 25-2-Life, Lil' Lil', and Machine Gun Killa, making up the group Stereotypical Sampling Commercial Puppets, from Puff Daddy's Bad Boy Camp, and representing the hardcore life of the upper-middle class, have broken up. It seems backstage at a recent concert 25-2-Life accused Lil' Lil' of drinking more than his fair share of Perrier, and Machine Gun Killa showed up late from his facial. Details are a bit sketchy from then on, but it is said that a ten minute bout of name-calling, hair-pulling, and usage of the phrase " sucka foo back off, I just got waxed " took place. The origin of this feud seems to go back to when the three were putting down a track for Winona Ryder's upcoming film, The Breezy Spring. Insiders say that this break-up may not wreck Bad Boys' grasp on the fake gangsta wannabe market, because they say, " Remember, Puff Daddy is still out there. "
-A man with a big penis has purchased a small car.
-Marlon Brando was seen recently in Los Angeles, on the sidewalk, eating baby fetuses and referring to his genitals as " The Doctors. " Just kidding, Marlon Brando wouldn't stand in the sidewalk.
-A study shows that men who are sexually deprived will eventually be arrested for molestation or are currently selling used-cars at less than bargain prices, for one week only. That's right, one week only for all '95 Fords and '98 Chryslers, so come on down, where if you want a car, we got a deal.
-9-1-1 has reported that it is getting a lot more alien sighting phone calls in the pass few months. Nobody is quite sure why, except it seems that Anne Heche has learned how to use her speed dial.
-All of Limp Bizkit's albums have now sold over 2 million albums. When asked why, frontman Fred Durst said, " Crack, jack, back my sack, rollin', BITCH! " In English that translates into, " Why do people buy our stuff? Because people like shitty music . . . BITCH! "
-In this week's edition of " What the Hell Happened?! ": Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are ready to get married, What the Hell Happened?! Also, we celebrate the anniversaries of Nikki Cox and Bobcat Goldthwait and the release of the film Ishtar.
-Comedian Drew Carey said that since the September 11th Attacks it has been hard to be funny. It's good to know things are getting back to normal.
-Ben Affleck has said that since he has admitted that he is an alcoholic he longer has any skeletons in his closet to hide. " No skeletons " for Ben Affleck " to hide "? We knew that already, I mean didn't he break up with Gwyenth Paltrow a year ago. Okay, all I'm saying is Gwyenth, come on and eat a burger. I don't mean to be cruel, but it's just that every time I see her I expect Sally Struthers to come out and ask me for donations of 10 cents a day.
-Nicole Kidman said now that she has gotten a divorce from Tom Cruise she can date men more her size. Tom Cruise said he would love to date females more his size, it's just that he doesn't want people thinking he's a pedophile.