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-I want to learn how to sew, so that if somebody asks me, " Do you know how to sew? ", I can say " yes ", and then punch them in the face, because that's a terrible question.
-I asked the nun if she would forgive me for my sins, she said " yes ", but that I still had to pay the carpet bill.
-Some say money makes the people of the world hate each other, but so do mashed potatoes. But why don't mashed potatoes get a bad reputation? I'll tell you why, it's because of the freaking pilgrims. God I hate the pilgrims.
-I like to tell people I care about them, and then watch their face as it lights up with a smile. Because then I know I'm a good liar.
-People who wear orange shirts are fashion risk-takers, either that or colorblind.
-Try answering your phone by saying " Jack's House of Porn, how may I help you? " And then when the person on the other line says, " I'm sorry, wrong number ", you should say, " Oh, I guess your wife is in the room. " And then after you hang-up you should laugh and get ready for the phone to ring again.
-Some people say that Christianity’s influence is dwindling these days. I say no, lots of people are still homophobic.
-Famous last words: That's nothing a little spackle couldn't fix.
-Flamingos, can they be anymore pink?
-If you climb to the top of an ant hill, what do the ants look like from above?
-I want to get a country named after me, but I would settle for a glass of water.
-I would attend church services more often, but it is much more fun drinking watered down wine, giving money to strangers, and hearing long boring rants at family birthday parties. Plus there's cake.
-I told my little brother once that Santa Claus was going to come and burn him to death. My little brother wet his bed for three weeks straight. God kids are stupid.
-Legend says: nothing. That's right, legend says " nothing. " Legend is tired of saying shit. Legend is sick of telling stories about the Wild Wild West and King Arthur, because you people don't appreciate Legend for what he contributes. You ungrateful bastards request fanciful stories of submarine expeditions and train robberies, but you never stop to appreciate Legend for the person he is. So now you want to know something and hear what Legend has to say?! Well, Legend says: nothing. Tell that to your grandkids, you freaks!
-Sometimes when I'm playing dodgeball I get confused and think it's Russian Roulette, and that just spells trouble.
-I wish my name was " North. " Because if it was, when people would ask me, " Where are you going, North? ", I'd say, " Isn't it obvious? ", even if I was going south.
-I would like to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, lose, and then kill the winner, because I'd bet that'd be pretty ironic.
-Did you know there is a Russian word " tvakvass "? No there's not. God you're so dumb. You are such a tvakvass.
-Did anybody else think it was weird that the Food Network did a special on the Donner Party?
-I love people with big giant glasses and orthopedic shoes, if by " glasses " you mean breasts and by " orthopedic shoes " you mean candy bars. Because if that's what you mean, then I want to meet your near-sighted, arthritis-ridden grandmother.
-Pollution is really not as big of a problem as people make it out to be. Do you know what a real danger is? Runaway Zebras. That's right, Runaway Zebras. Why don't we have a " Spare The People From Being Killed By Runaway Zebras Day? " I'll tell you why: It's because every time someone goes public with that proposal they get killed . . . by Runaway Zebras.